Hi Beth, 

I have just returned to the ichild list in time to catch some of the discussion on attachment. Ironically, I think the lack of this type of info is partly why I left. I needed to figure out what was going on with my child, and Ichild became a luxury I needed to go without while I researched my daughter's issues. I am happy to share about both of our kids from India. Lily arrived home in July of 2000. She was about thirteen months old. She was rather free with her affection for a few months, but gradually became attached and would no longer run off with strangers. Her first year here she was such a joy that I joked we should get the child mood stabilizers because she was TOO happy. I didn't know this pervasive happiness was a symptom of an attachment issue. 

Sometime after her first year here I could see her behavior changing. She became very controlling, talking all the time, being very loud, and she stopped asking for things and would say, "I'm thirsty" but not ask. Even when her words were correct, her tone made any request sound like an order. Also, when we would read a book with sad people in it she would cover the picture and refuse to talk about it. If I suggested she was sad or angry she would put on a manically happy face and say, "No, I'm happy!" even when she was obviously not. 

When her dad would come home I could see it was hard for her to love us both at the same time. During this time, she played appropriately with friends, separated well and most of the time she slept through the night. She was loving and sweet, and didn't fit much of the criteria for attachment disorders. 

Time went by and finally I just had to do something so I went to see an attachment therapist who uses holding time. Three visits later almost every behavior listed above had improved or disappeared. I am so glad I didn't listen to the people who told me she was fine. Her favorite book is one where someone leaves, people are sad, and then made happy by a reunion, and she loves to sit on mommy's lap and daddy's lap at the same time. That would never have happened before. The other day I said, "You look angry!" and she answered with a growl, "I am angry!" It was music to my ears. 

Lily is a very bright child, and her health is good. It seems to me that she is now able to feel my love more deeply and can love me back more in return. We are phasing out our trips to the therapist, and life is really good. 

Now, about our son Sai who came from the same orphanage four months after Lily. (November of 2000) Sai was eight and a half when he arrived. He had been at the children's home for two years, and had been with his bio family before that. When he came he did a lot of grieving. He shed very few tears, but would "dry cry" that's what we called his groaning. I would try to hold him during these times. Sai liked his dad long before he could find a use for me. He was very angry at his birth mom, and plopped all that anger on me. He would give me looks that would kill. It took me a long time to feel much affection for this kid who was most of the time indifferent to me. I would make an effort to be loving, and appear happy to see him, but it got so tiring when I wouldn't get much for all my effort. This type of behavior is pretty much what the books told me to expect, but I was stunned by how much it hurt. 

During this time, and to this day, Sai is a good boy. He is a gentle soul, and a very hard worker. Now that he has been here a year and a half we have come a long way. I love this kid, and I think he loves me too. He has even said so a few times! I have not taken Sai to a therapist yet, although I might. He has a lot of history for one so young. He snuggles up to me when we read, and loves for me to lay down with him when he goes to sleep. He'll ask me to run my fingers through his hair! (Glad to!) I asked him the other day if he remembered how angry he used to be at me and his birth mom, and he said, "Not really." I asked him if he still feels angry and he said, "No, I really like it here." 

My feeling is that Lily's emotional wiring was damaged by her loss of birth parents at the age of three months, and her time at the orphanage. We are well on the way to fixing that. Sai was in a loving but troubled family for six years. I think the love his first parents showed him have provided him with the "right " wiring. He just had to decide it was safe to love me. Our other three kids are doing well, and we can't believe how lucky we are. 

Mary in VA