On a recent trip to India, I met with several orphanage directors in different parts of India and decided that I wanted to share with the IChild membership, some of what I was asked to pass on and what I observed during my trip. Orphanage directors are very concerned that families understand the great importance of the post placement reports. Every place I went, people talked to me about how the post placement reports can make the difference between an agency both overseas and in India being able to continue the work that they do. CARA is demanding and monitoring five years of family reports. They are also looking for the post placement reports, but it is in the long run, the ongoing family reports that are being monitored. They expect five years of family reports, quarterly for the first three years, half year reports for the next two years and CARA does go back to each agency and ask why those reports are not in if they do not have them in their office. The success of each agency in providing those reports is paramount when the licensure or relicensure of an agency comes up for renewal. The lack of post placement reports puts a program in peril and obviously means that children will not be able to be placed overseas if CARA remains unhappy with the agency's ability to provide what they expect.

In other conversations with orphanage directors regarding the placement of older children, I was asked to pass on some of their concerns. The culture in India as we all know is very different in many ways from what we know, expect and take for granted in the United States. The western difference regarding basic living issues are not dealt with by most of the agencies in India. Even the few that do cover some of these issues with the children, do not have the children prepared in the way that some families may expect them to be.

Please be aware that people in India often use their hands to eat, especially in southern India. For the most part, they do not use silverware (a few use big spoons). They also may not use a table as they sit on the floor with their plate to eat. The children do not understand that in other places in the world, this is not what is expected and not what is appropriate in our culture. There is also much less conversation during meals than we are often accustomed to.

The food is also significantly different. The children (although many people in the country do eat meat and non vegetarian meals) from the institutions rarely have the opportunity to try chicken, beef, mutton or pork. For these children, the food that is set on the table by the new families can be very disturbing and alarming and add to the culture shock that the children are experiencing once they come to their new families. The food, even in the orphanage setting, also tends to be spicier than American children would be used to. Therefore, our diet can seem bland and uninteresting to a newly arrived child. The directors who care for and love the children who are being placed in international adoptive families ask that families investigate, before their children come home, what foods are comfortable for their children. They request that families experiment in cooking those foods and tasting those foods before their children come home, so that they are better prepared to help the children with the dietary changes.

Bathroom and toileting issues were also mentioned. It must be remembered that all bathrooms in India have cement or tile floors and do not have rugs or mats. The floors also have a drain in the corner of the room. This makes the bathrooms easily washed down. Therefore, splashing water all around is common place and not of concern. Often washing is done by filling a bucket and then taking a small utensil, filling it from the bucket, wetting down the body, soaping up and then rinsing off using the utensil and the bucket of water. For most of the children, getting into a shower as such, or a bathtub is unheard of. Young children also seem to be afraid that they might be sucked down the drain. As a matter of fact, in India, most people feel that sitting in a bath is not a very hygienic thing to do. Trying to get clean after immersing your dirty body in a tub of water does not make sense to the average person in India. For the newly arrived children, our expectations are surprising to them and certainly they will need help in trying to understand what we may take for granted.

Another issue regarding the bathroom is that in India, toilet paper is not used. These children have no clue as to what toilet paper is or how it is used. The toilet itself is usually not to be sat on. Very often the orphanage will have a porcelain fixture built into the floor. The child (or adult) then stands over the fixture, squats down and does what they have to do. This toilet is then flushed. Families will need to show the child (perhaps using a doll) what is expected of them in the bathroom, how our bathrooms work, how our faucets work and how our toilets work. Please do not expect the children to be able to figure it out for themselves, no matter what their age may be.

To sum this up, tolerance, understanding and educating yourself before your child comes home will help your child and you adjust to each other in a less stressful manner. For the children, they know nothing more than what they learned all of their lives. They have no experience with the world outside India. The orphanage directors that I talked to asked that you put yourself in your children's' shoes and walk along with them as they discover the many changes that are going to be a part of their lives.

Here are a few more things to keep in mind. They were written by a social worker in India who has asked me to share them with you:

Ways of Expressing Affection: In India, affection is expressed in a passive and indirect way. These passive physical contacts like carrying and cuddling a baby in the arms provides the child with warmth and security but does not always stimulate feelings or need to respond. Further, love is never expressed verbally but indirectly by way of solicitous concern and care. Thus, the Indian mother is always doing something for her child thereby harboring dependency and the child may expect this form of affection from his new parents. The child may also express affection in such a manner and this may initially amuse or irritate an adult.

Kissing and hugging among family members is hardly seen in India (with the exception of infants and young children). The child who has never known or seen such physical expression of love may stiffen up or be unresponsive when he is kissed or hugged. It may take time to learn to respond appropriately and even verbalize his/her feelings.

Method of Discipline: This varies much from culture to culture and is determined by societal values and goals. In India, the basic social unit is not the individual but the family and therefore the child is taught to conform to group living and to think of himself/herself as part of the group. Therefore, in the home as well as the school the child is exhorted to conform to group norms and be like everyone else.

Parents use strong authority, commanding exhortation, fear inspiring tactics or as the last resort physical punishment. These methods are used in varying degrees depending upon the age of the child. The pre-school child is much indulged and often not disciplined at all as there is a feeling that the child is too young to know better. As the child reaches school age, the parents become strict and use physical punishment if the child does not respond to the usual methods. Swatting with a twig is the most common form of punishment.

Another method of discipline for older children is to inspire in them a fear of public opinion or ridicule. The mother or father may threaten an erring child saying that people may laugh about him. Reasoning is rarely used to discipline a child nor has he/she been isolated or deprived of special privileges is he/she misbehaved. Therefore, initially your child may undergo much frustration, anxiety and confusion due to the changes in your child's' environment and culture and he/she may withdraw or exhibit temper tantrums.

If after reading this, you nod your head in assent, here's another cultural comment. In India many people sway their head from side to side in agreement or to answer yes. They don't nod up and down. You may experience asking a child a question and having them "do the head sway" without answering you. This is not rude, it is what they know to be a proper way of answering.

Much of the above may be basic and old hat to many of you, but I promised to pass this along.
Teri Bell, LSW,MA Americans for International Aid and Adoption aiaainfo@aol.com

NOTE: The social worker in India provided some of these comments excerpted from Francis Koh's book, "Oriental Children in American Homes"